running programs in my mind

 what to write...

i often write down bad dreams, prayers, visions or anything weird or something i want to remember

i hate recalling bad memories...
memories of shame or mistakes. i scream F#%K Off!!!! when ever i catch my self remembering. .

i still wonder why...

i had found Peace, God, Love, Happiness but i couldn't keep them.

these past days i often feel that there is nothing more.
more to have?
to be?

for everything fades away, they come and go, if kept they tend to corrupt  or spoil, making me arrogant, sick or feel and look weird

i have to let go? its seem normal to let go. i had no choice but to let go.
too much effort is needed to keep anything.

a thought (i dint sign in or agree to be here) often comes to mind, i was being ungrateful of being alive
a feeling (id rather be a rock, motionless and useless somewhere up high on top a mountain) i might be just being lazy

maybe im not inspired to live on? im not in love at anything or anyone at this moment

should i be?

i once had a trouble about not having something so important, it just got delayed but then it arrived, i felt so so happy having it but then it was just it. i worried a lot about it before but then the joy of having it got spoiled. why is it so?

i cried out and couldn't sleep, i kept on praying a lot. pushing God, screaming  Please let me have it. i was so afraid. that i might die without it. those were meds within my delayed luggage.it got delayed 3 months.

there was so much joy seeing it arrived. but that was just it. my longing my worries ended.

my suffering seemed unnecessary... i hate the way i struggled, i was too weak, my faith for Gods grace wasn't enough i guess?

hays.. what ever... 

i dont expect anybody would read my blog, so im just gonna write anything that id want or think or feel.

ill try to write something better or useful next time.